When My Heart Yearns…

My dear son, Austin, at his 16th birthday party.

Was it truly Your will, Lord, that Austin died? If we would have done some things differently, would he still be here, enjoying life with us?  If only we would have been more alert to what was going on… 

This morning I awoke again to that, all too familiar, ache and groan deep in the pit of my soul.  My heart yearns so deeply to hear Austin’s laughter and teasing throughout our home. Words cannot describe how much a hug from Austin would mean to me right now!

As these questions were going through my mind, God gently and quietly spoke to me. He said, “I am much bigger than that! I didn’t NEED your help in keeping  Austin alive. Don’t make Me smaller than Who I AM! It was My timing for Austin.” My desire is to completely rest in that realization. (You can read about our difficult journey of  heart transplants, cancers, and multiple chemical sensitivities in our book, “Big Mountain, Bigger God”.)

As my heart has been experiencing these yearnings for our dear son, I am reminded that these longings are given to me by my Heavenly Father. All of us have yearnings, and at times we may feel an emptiness that nothing seems to fill. I have been extremely blessed and have experienced many rich and rewarding relationships that have brought indescribable joy and fulfillment to me. I am so grateful for the wonderful and close relationship that I have with my husband and soul mate,  Duane. I thank God for the five wonderful children that He has blessed me with. They verbally express and daily demonstrate their love and appreciation for me. In spite of all these rich and priceless blessings, my heart still yearns for more…

God’s Greatest Gifts to Me

Even though we experience the true purpose, joy, and peace of God when we live our lives for Christ, we will still have the yearning to encounter much more. Do you find yourself yearning for a life companion who, you believe, will fill the void in your life? You may be looking for ways that your spouse or children can help fill the emptiness that you are feeling. Do your friends or your social life truly bring purpose of fulfillment? Is your identity found in your job, sports, family, or even in religious activities within a church or ministry? Does this fill your yearnings for something deeper? I don’t think so!

God the Father allows us to feel this emptiness to remind us that this world is not our permanent home. He created us for something much more than this sin-filled life. You were lovingly placed on this earth to bring glory to God and to, in return, enjoy the intimacy of your eternal relationship with Jesus. When you find yourself looking to relationships, possessions, social positions, or anything else to fulfill your longings; remind yourself that, in reality, you are longing for Heaven.

A few months ago, I was planning to be gone from home for two days. I was a bit worried about how our 2 and 3-year-old girls would respond since I had never been gone overnight before. Since I didn’t want them to cry when I left, I picked up a children’s DVD for them to watch during this time. In the morning, as I was preparing to leave, our three-year-old came to me and said, “Mommy, can you please leave so that I can watch the new movie?”  I jokingly told the others, “I can’t believe that I was just replaced by a cheap $5.00 DVD!”  

Does God ever feel this way about you? What are the cheap thrills and replacements in life that you are using to attempt to fill the yearnings that God has given to you? Are you allowing God to draw your heart in a closer relationship to Him while you long for your deep heart yearnings to be completely filled in Christ?  The cheap thrills that this world offers will never satisfy you…when your heart yearns!

“The reason why we have no ease of heart or soul is because we are seeking our rest in trivial things which cannot satisfy, and not seeking to know God, almighty, all-wise, all-good…We shall never cease wanting and longing until we possess Him in fullness and joy. Then we shall have no further wants.” (Julian of Norwich)


  • JR & MaryAnn
    Posted at 19:05h, 28 September

    …feel your pain! How blessed we are to have families that miss each other when someone is gone. Yesterday our 25-year-old handicapped neighbor girl passed away. A very dysfunctional family. I wonder how much she will be missed or if she was a bother to them. What a contrast to your family yearning for Austin! Thanks for sharing!

  • Marlene
    Posted at 22:38h, 28 September

    I am so thankful that God has put a yearning for heaven in our souls. Thank you for stating it so well Cindy, we pray for you often and for other friends who experinced that pain and separation of a loved ones passing. Its extremly difficult but in the midst of the pain we also rejoice that God has a much bigger plan and He is ever faithful in fullfilling our yearnings. PTL!

  • Barbara Lumley
    Posted at 19:04h, 29 September

    Cindy, You are truly a blessing to me. I pray God will continue to bless you and your dear family.
    Love you,
    Aunt Barbara

  • Duane & Cindy
    Posted at 21:13h, 29 September

    So true, Mary Ann! I think of all the children who would love to have someone, ANYONE, who truly loves and cares for them…Blessings to you and yours! ~Cindy

  • Duane & Cindy
    Posted at 21:15h, 29 September

    Thank you so much for those prayers, Marlene! I sure don’t know how others face losses like this without the Lord and fellow believers. We are so BLESSED! ~God bless you! ~Cindy

  • Duane & Cindy
    Posted at 21:18h, 29 September

    Thanks, Aunt Barbara! That means a lot to me and we love and appreciate you and Uncle Ernest so very much! You are both such awesome encouragers and prayer warriors to our family. ~Cindy

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