What I’m Learning About Love

PC Alisha Mullett

Love is defined as many things. Physical attraction between two people. Two hearts connected. Mutual commitment, regardless of life’s challenges. But I’m learning that love is more than that…much more. 

Before I go into more depth, let’s reflect a bit…

Why are men most commonly classified as either male chauvinists or else passive pushovers? Doesn’t this seem like a no-win situation? After all, how would we as women feel if we are viewed as either domineering or “door mats”? 

As a husband or wife, each of us have needs and desires. Some of us may not be as mindful of what our needs are, yet they are still undeniable. And if we’re married, we’ll find our spouse to be a needy person. Each of us are.

I think we need to realize that men who are controlling and demanding have needs just as passive men do. And women who are unassuming “door mats” are likely as needy as their domineering counterparts.

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. We’ve had a good marriage, yet we continue to learn how to love each other more deeply. Our love continues to grow, and along with it comes the realization that we haven’t always known how to love as we should.

For instance, my husband is a selfless person with the gift of mercy and serving. And I love this about him! But when my sweetheart gets too busy serving others, I can have the tendency to feel rejected and unneeded.

My husband has the need for approval, encouragement, and respect. While I have the need for attention and security. When I’m fearful our schedule will be too busy, I have the tendency of becoming negative rather than encouraging and supporting him. This in return enables the cycle to continue as he is looking for approval and encouragement.

PC Alisha Mullett

You may not be able to identify with this particular cycle, but I’m sure you and your spouse have a cycle of your own. It’s important to identify your “cycle” and to understand what’s at the root of each of your reactions. (Both of you will have valid reasons why you respond the way you do.)

It may be helpful for a man to remember that a wife is usually a reflection of her husband. If her husband is passive or doesn’t put effort into pursuing her and making her feel special, it will affect her self worth and security. A wife’s tendency is to measure her value by the amount of effort her husband puts into her. If she doesn’t feel cherished and pursued, she will likely not be able to properly give what she doesn’t receive.

Men have insecurities just as women do. As women desperately need to be treasured, men need to be respected. They need to be desired by their wife. When they aren’t, they feel rejected as a man, provider, and husband. Men love their wives, but often feel inadequate in expressing or showing their love. We tend to forget that men are sensitive to feelings of humiliation or disrespect! A husband’s tendency is to respond in anger when he feels disrespected by his wife. Underneath this anger are feelings of hurt that need to be cared for.

Love is not about getting our own needs met. It’s not about finding the perfect mate who perfectly compliments myself. Love is not about getting what we think we deserve. It is easy to view love through the eyes of our own needs. In fact, today’s view on marriage is that if you’re not happy or having your needs met, then it’s better to leave. After all, no one deserves to be unhappy. Now I’m not condoning always staying in an abusive relationship, but too many broken marriages are the result of unhappiness and un-fulfillment alone.

I’m learning that love is much more than committing our lives to each other. Love is seeing each other in a non-judgmental way and understanding your spouse’s heart. I’m learning that love is being the first one to forgive. Love is not focusing on your own needs, but rather on your spouse’s. Love is the selfless act of willingly laying down your own needs, rights, and desires to better care for the heart of your spouse. 

PC Alisha Mullett

Ask yourself today if you truly love your spouse. Love for selfish gain is not love at all. It is manipulation and self love. Blissful marital love will never be experienced with a self love focus. Are you sacrificially giving for the good of your spouse? Your marriage will be radically changed when you truly learn how to love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” 1 Cor. 13: 4 & 5

~Cindy (For The Mullett Family) 

  • Hgjbb
    Posted at 12:12h, 14 February

    I wonder what life would be like for you if one of your daughters got married and was always disciplined and lived under her husband as a child. Couldn’t see her family much and always had hear from her husband what losers her family was. Taking about a broken heart.

  • Cheryl
    Posted at 06:21h, 15 February

    Good morning, Cindy. I love this article. I know now, that when I got married I had no idea how to love my husband. I’m so grateful for the Father’s love, forgiveness and redemption in my life and marriage. I’m also grateful for all those who spoke into my life through the years so that at 37 years of marriage I can say we are surely blessed. Thanks for allowing God to use you. We never get done learning! Blessings, Cheryl

  • Esther S Zeiset
    Posted at 07:16h, 15 February

    We read your blog last night. I had to think about it awhile before I send anything back. We liked the message and also Duane’s update. You can say so much to us about so many things. Well done! We never had any idea how much you have to teach us. We are still working on our marriage also. God is the answer to many questions we have along the way.
    God bless you all. We like Alisha’a part but what does PC stand for?
    Keep up the great work.

  • Michael Disston
    Posted at 08:44h, 15 February

    Thank you…
    BlessGrateful for the time to read…hurts can lead to anger…I ponder that a bit more…Thank you..

  • Cindy
    Posted at 10:43h, 15 February

    I’m so sorry to hear this is happening. This is certainly not what God intends in a marriage relationship. God asks men to love their wives as Christ loves the church. This is a sacrificial kind of love which includes mutual respect for each other. A husband who is a dictator and controller is deeply hurting, and hurting individuals hurt others. Counseling is very important in getting to root issues and restoring this marriage. Hugs and prayers…

  • Cindy
    Posted at 10:55h, 15 February

    Yes, praise the Lord for His continued work in our lives. I’m so grateful we can continue learning how to love each other more fully. What a wonderful, challenging discovery is this thing called marriage! God bless you as you continue to grow…

  • Cindy
    Posted at 11:09h, 15 February

    Hi Esther.
    Life is about learning, isn’t it? Each of us are a work in progress. Thank you for the example both of you have been to us and for the love and support you’ve shown us over the years. (PC stands for-Photo credits)

  • Cindy
    Posted at 11:20h, 15 February

    Thank you for your words of blessing, Michael. God bless you as you seek His face and walk the life of faith.

  • Elizbeth Klassen
    Posted at 15:18h, 19 February

    Hi Cindy!

    I am new to your blog. I am so blessed in reading this at this very precise time in my husband and my life. LOVE is kind, and gentle, keeps no record of wrongs. This has changed my life.Trust me, I have been so critical towards myself….and as a result it poured over onto my husband. We need to allow the HOLY SPIRIT to minister truth (Jesus’ unfailing love) to us, so that in turn we may bear much fruit. Thank you for sharing, Cindy!

  • Cindy
    Posted at 16:38h, 25 February

    Welcome to our blog site, Elizabeth. Thank you for sharing about the work God’s been doing in your heart. His ways indeed work and bring much joy and peace to our lives. God bless you as you continue following Him.

  • Ren
    Posted at 12:29h, 29 March

    Dear Cindy,
    Very new to your blog. Not married yet but have been very inspired by your family and finds this article worthwhile. Thank you for the insights. It makes sense for unmarried ones to read this before they are married. Lovely pictures from Alisha… love it.

  • James Horst
    Posted at 10:20h, 12 February

    Well said Cindy. I find that we need frequent reminders about caring for the heart of our spouse. (especially we men) Thanks for the post and the reminder to be aware of each other’s needs/feelings. I bless you and Duane in your calling to minister to the hurting. Also liked the pics!

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