The darkness was so heavy and thick that I couldn’t see ANYTHING! I began groping in the blanket of blackness that enveloped me. I had absolutely no warning that I was going to lose every ray of light that I had been taking for granted. As I desperately tried to find my way out of the heavy layer of darkness, I was aware that my daughters were needing me and anxiously waiting for me to help them. I began searching all around me, straining my eyes to make out any objects. If only I could see some light…I desperately needed the light!
I have faced a situation like this twice in my life. One of these times, I was able to dismiss it as a minor incident, however, I realize that I am still in the “recovery mode” as I continue seeking the “light,” while adjusting from the other situation.
During one of our recent banquet and ministry tours, we had an unusual event. During the banquet, I took our five and three year old daughters down into the basement so they could run off some energy before I had them sit quietly again. I left Chantaya, my five year old, in the other room as I took Kyra to the restroom. Suddenly, all the lights in the basement went out, and we couldn’t make out a single thing. It was dark…very dark! Kyra said, “Mommy, where are you? I can’t see you, Mommy! I’m scared.” I began reassuring her that even though she couldn’t see me, I was still there and I would help her. “Stay right where you are, Kyra, and soon you will be able to see me!”
After my attempts to find my way through the darkness had produced very little success, suddenly, I saw a bit of light coming our direction. I sighed in relief as I saw my husband holding up his cell phone, using the little bit of light to find us. After finding the girls, I learned that the entire building was in darkness because of the transformer being on fire. Since we were in the basement, we weren’t able to see the light from the candles or the emergency exits that were lit upstairs. The program continued on with the help of a generator, while we also enjoyed the coziness from the candlelight environment. The local fire department came out and kept a close eye on the transformer until the wires safely stopped burning. Thankfully, no one was hurt, and the vehicle parked under the burning wires was able to be safely moved away.
The next incident was life-changing for me and was the darkest day of my entire life. Three years ago, on October 31, I watched as our dear son and brother was so abruptly snatched away from us. After I heard the ventilator become quiet and saw his heart rate go flat, I felt the horrible and cruel sting of death as my wonderful, fun-loving, compassionate, and intellectually gifted son grew cold under my gentle touch. His life and future, which held so much potential, was now brutally taken away and despair was left in his place. As the unwanted coldness of death touched him, I also felt it seep into the pit of my soul, and I felt a blanket of darkness unlike I had ever felt before. Just as in the situation of the lost electricity at our banquet, I couldn’t see anything but utter blackness! If only I could see a bit of “light.” However, it seemed as if I would never again see the “light” of day, because of the significant loss that was almost more than I could bear.
In many ways, Austin and his health needs was the primary focus of our family for many years. His enormous health challenges drew us to our knees many times as we cried out for God’s touch on his body. After his death, we felt almost consumed by the incredible pain and loss that we faced. It was almost paralyzing, and I felt unable to complete the simple household tasks that needed to be done. All I wanted to do was bury myself in my pain and stop existing. I was like our little girl paralyzed within the heavy darkness of that basement. The darkness was just too scary and too heavy for me to begin finding my own way and I couldn’t see Jesus anywhere. I didn’t know what to do except cry out to God and beg Him to help me find a little bit of light. When I cried out, “Jesus, where are You? I can’t see You, God! I’m so scared,” I listened and His reassuring, loving voice began speaking within the “blackness” that was all around me. He gently reassured me, “Stay right where you are! Don’t worry, My Daughter, even though you can’t see Me right now, I am still here. When you can’t see Me, EXPERIENCE Me!”
My Abba, Father has helped me through my darkest night, and I have found that He was beside me all the time. I have felt His presence many times in my darkest nights. When I was finally able to see a little bit of light, I also began to see Him there beside me and the purpose for Him allowing this darkness. Over the last three years, I have experienced the light of Jesus piercing through my heavy veil of darkness and rescuing me. Although on this earth, I will always experience the “shadows” of Austin’s death, I am assured that the permeating presence of Jesus will continue to give me enough “light” for my next steps. I know that some of my richest blessings are out of sight, but also very real and just around the corner. I am choosing to walk by faith and not by sight, and I trust Jesus to lead me safely in the path that He illuminates for me. I am learning to relax more in the “light” of Jesus’ everlasting love for me, and to be convinced of this incredible love in spite of my painful circumstances.
Maybe you are finding yourself under the blanket of a heavy, black “veil” that is threatening to squeeze the last bit of hope from you. This darkness may be from experiencing a loss, abuse, rejection, mistreatment, shattered dreams, or simple disappointments in life. The form this pain comes in doesn’t really matter. What you do with it matters!
Are you needing to feel and hear from Jesus even when it’s too dark to see Him? I encourage you to quietly rest in His presence as you ask Him to reveal Himself to you. As you allow the Holy spirit to gently convict you of the wrong attitudes and responses in your life, and you become broken before God, you enable Jesus to shine His light into the deepest, painful areas of your life. Have you discovered yet that it is much better to walk with God in the dark areas of life, rather than walking without God and being alone in the “good” times? Jesus is waiting for you to EXPERIENCE Him when your night is too dark to see Him. As you continue to trust Him, He will shine the “light” of His love into the midst of your hopelessness and darkness. Until then…EXPERIENCE Him!
~Cindy (For The Mullett Family)