Alisha’s tiny body grunted and groaned with each breath, in spite of the highest power of life support available. Her ten-pound body occupied less space on the ICU bed than the dozen med pumps, wires, and life-saving apparatus.
Tears streamed down my face as I watched in heartbreak as my beautiful baby girl struggled for each precious breath. My intense desire to gather and comfort her in my arms was replaced with the stark realization that I could hardly find a spot of her body to actually touch.
As I helplessly watched and cried, this became my prayer…
“God, I choose to trust You.”
During our son’s incredibly intense journey with two very aggressive and deadly cancers, my faith waned and I became overwhelmed, distraught, and discouraged. There was simply nothing that had prepared my mother’s heart in helplessly watching my children suffer. In desperation, I prayed for healing for Austin while my battle cry became this…
“God, I choose to love You.”
For nearly eleven years, I struggled with the loss of infertility. In the midst of our children’s heart transplants and cancers, my heart still deeply yearned for the blessing of another child. I rejoiced with friends and family members as they once again were blessed with another healthy child, while I hid many private tears. The emptiness within my arms and heart moved me to say…
“God, I choose to surrender to Your plan.”
Even after this surrender, I was still caught off guard as I watched the nurses remove my sixteen-year-old son from life support. Watching the monitor flat line, his chest go still and his body begin to grow cold brought a brokenness and coldness into my own heart. I weep now as I remember and reflect. Nothing I’ve ever faced was as brutally painful as the harsh reality of saying good bye to my amazing son. But this intentional prayer is what has sustained and carried me during this journey of loss…
“God, I choose to bless You.”
I have a vivid memory of our daughter, Brianna, as she watched the casket of her best friend and brother being lowered into the ground. I could see the anguish and intense pain and loss deeply etched on her face. Being in the center of two siblings with intense health struggles had already caused unfair losses, unexpected circumstances and feelings of being “less important.” I ached as I realized what all this was going to mean for my precious first-born daughter. I simply could not imagine how I was going to survive without Austin, much less knowing how to help her process her pain. But I was convinced that God would give grace for each of our moments, and my prayer became…
“God, I choose to believe You.”
For the past two years, I’ve again helplessly watched Alisha as her skin and her physical and emotional health has been greatly compromised by dangerous black mold exposure. It has wracked unbelievable havoc to her body.
I have marveled and praised my Father as I’ve seen deep faith arising from within my broken and vulnerable daughter.
After nine months of cancelling our tour schedule, to battle this sickness, our family again traveled to share music and song last weekend. Alisha is still not well, and as she attempted to sing again one evening, she realized her lungs are still too weak.
We played the music video “Even If” that Brianna and Alisha recorded several months ago. Because she couldn’t sing, Alisha spoke the words…her voice cracking with emotion, and breaking down a few times to cry.
As she lifted her hand in worship to her Father, there were many tears. Both from those in the audience, and in our own eyes. We know this song will be a blessing and encouragement to many, and we thank God for the opportunity to share it with you.
As we continue to journey through life with all it’s ups and downs, we are convinced that God is ALWAYS ENOUGH. He is always good…Even if He doesn’t always heal.
If we’ve learned anything through our journey of suffering it is this:
The greatest suffering I will ever face will NOT be the result of any painful experience, but the result of MY response to it.
Our family’s desire is not to focus on our suffering, pain or losses, but to focus on “ending well.” The prayer that is currently on my lips is this…
“God, I choose to rest and abide in You.”
~Cindy (For The Mullett Family)
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